A while back I reviewed the biggest train wreck in cinema history, and today I’m burdened by the the misfortune of presenting the blogging community with a review of it’s sequel!
After “laughably” fighting off the sharknados from the first movie, Fin Shepard and his ex-wife April are on a plane to New York, for a book signing to promote their recent book on surviving sharknados (yeah….). Rather than sticking to traditions of a fairly normal movie opening, this one jumps right into the “action”, if that’s what you call it. Fin notices Sharks flying around just outside the plane window. He first thinks it’s his mind playing games, but soon begins to panic, drawing the attention of the air marshall. After being asked to calm down, he closes the window shade, and tries to take his mind off of what he has seen. Moments later, the an engine is blown on the plan after a shark flies into it. From this point forth, all hell breaks loose on that plane. Despite every unnatural force trying to shit on Fin’s flight, he manages to land the plane himself, but is left with the task of fighting time and all odds to defeat yet another massive shark ridden storm.
Let me start with this…Though I despised everything about the first movie, I couldn’t keep myself from watching this one. It truly is a car crash that you just can’t keep your eyes away from. I simply had to see what atrocities had been cooked up in the sequel when I found out their was one. This is the ONLY pro for these movies. They are like the last two pieces of chocolate in a world of starving people. The only catch is that they are poisoned. And even though we know this to be true, we still want the damn chocolate!
This is a jigsaw puzzle of shit that I just don’t know how to begin to describe. Let’s go back to the plane ride. Eventually the plane suffers a considerable amount of damage, seeing as there is a hole in the side of it. We movie goers know a few things that should happen from this point. If you are standing, your probably doomed. The force will suck you right out of the plane without warning. Secondly, passengers are to put on their oxygen masks, otherwise they would not be able to breathe. Now how was it that this film went about it? Ah, yes…The flight attendant was walking the isle, and no oxygen masks were in sight anywhere. Guess it wasn’t a big deal. It was more important to make sure Jared from Subway made it pointlessly into the film.
Get this. During the shark attack on the plane, April’s hand gets bitten off after she tries shooting sharks with a handgun from the air marshall. She is later told at the hospital that she is “in good hands”. Hahahaha! Not very comforting words. I can’t tell if this movie is really trying to be serious, or intentionally taking attempts at comedy too. But I don’t suppose that really matters either.
Let’s consider the Statue of Liberty. A piece of history that inevitably will be destroyed in any disaster movie depicting the Big Apple. Did the movie “man up” and choose it’s own path, avoiding the cliche of destroying the poor statue? That would be a big fat no. In fact, the destruction was drawn out as long it possibly could be, and then even more…unrealistically and ridiculously more. The head of statue traveled freak’n everywhere with momentum that the film makers obviously just pulled out of their asses. Something that big and heavy could not have possibly rolled anywhere near the distance it did. And of course, the nimrods running from it ran in a STRAIGHT LINE! A batshit crazy lune who just fell out a three story window would know to simply pick running to the left or to the right. But not in Sharknado!
The funniest part of the movie though were the meteorologists who treated the entire event as if it were everyday weather. Saying it would be raining sharks at approximately 2 inches per hour, and that some serious shark wind would be moving into the area. WHAT? I’m sorry, but in real life the meteorologists would be freaking out just like anyone else. It’s sharks in a tornado. SHARKS inside of a TORNADO! SHARKS….TORNADO….INSANITY.
Add it all up and you have a comical film that might just work if you are wasted off your ass. Wait…nope. I almost forgot about the worst part. The acting is just so off balance from the plot. Ian Ziering plays Fin, and Tara Reid plays April. Tara’s performance in the first film was sad and career harming if you ask me. She was (needless to say) unable to redeem herself in this one. As for Ian, there are moments when I think, “wow he really has potential as an actor”, and other moments that I just can’t stand to look at him. I felt this way about several members of the cast. I suspect a big part of this is brought on by a terrible story and a god awful script to accompany it. Therefore it’s difficult to truly pinpoint the real talent in this movie.
Tell me…How can you kill a shark with a chainsaw or buzzsaw and not get any blood on you or the saw? Well you can in Sharknado! The entire thing is a concept that could have only originally existed in the minds of stoners who were tripping balls. But now it’s readily available for you the movie viewers to watch from the comfort of your own living room!
Total Abstract Rating: 50% Remember the last product you ordered online only to find that the quality was absolute shit because it was a few pieces of plastic taped together? That’s Sharknado. Only this is a bit funnier in the wrong way.
Thanks for reading!