I’ve been all over the place with my thoughts and feelings lately. After my fiancee moved out a couple of weeks ago I felt emotionally destroyed at first, but then I felt very close to her. She had realized many of her faults and she wanted to take time for herself to improve on them so that she could become a better partner for me. But what I have learned in the last few days is that I only felt close to her because I was happy she finally realized some of these things and that she wanted to work on them. But I’m still very upset that she moved out, and I’m starting to question if I’m making the right choice by staying with her.

Her past haunts her…I’ve always known that. But only certain problems have effected us, and for a good while we seemed to be fine and moving forward. Now she seems to think her past is making her an unhappy person who doesn’t feel anything anymore, thus making me feel unloved. I on the other hand think that our relationship is it’s own thing and that if she doesn’t feel much anymore with me, and doesn’t want to show me affection, then it’s clearly more than just her past. I don’t know that she will ever again be the girl I fell in love with. Even with outside help from a professional I just don’t see how it’s going to help long term. Maybe she talks to someone, it helps, and we get back on track for a while…but for how long? How long will it take before she is right back where she is now. She causes her own self destruction, and she can’t let go of the past to enjoy the right now, and look forward to the future.

My heart loves her and wants to be with her forever, but my common sense has done nothing but tell me to end it. That staying means getting dragged around even more and constantly developing false hope that she will go above and beyond to show me she loves me. My false hope has been so bad the last few months. I keep thinking she will do certain things and when she doesn’t it crushes me. If I were to break up with her right now, I would never hear from her again. She isn’t the type to fight for something like our relationship, especially right now with her “not feeling” anything. Knowing that kills me and makes me wonder why I am even sticking around anymore. Because prior to me writing this post, I would have done anything to get her back had she broken up with me. Texts, calls, visits, sending flowers…anything. That’s because I love her and I know I want her. But I don’t feel that from her side. I don’t feel like she cares to even try anymore. All I wanted was for her to show me affection and that she loved me…instead she said she couldn’t promise me anything, and then a few days later she moved out of our house. Instead of even trying she just ran away from me.

I’m a smart person. But love totally screws with our heads. No matter how much someone may hurt us we still want to be with them…we still hope they will change and become the person we either fell in love with again, or the person that we can just be happy with properly. At what point do we draw the line that says I’m done and I don’t want to hurt anymore. She isn’t hurting me intentionally, but she is very much hurting me. I know that I can’t wait very long for her to try to seek help and try to improve. I’ll lose my sanity in the process. I don’t need a break, I didn’t want her to move out, I just want my partner back. I want the girl I fell in love with back. I want the girl who wants to hold my hand, snuggle with me, hug me, kiss me, and more. And I don’t see how that can be improved upon if she isn’t living with me and trying to work on it. Instead I only see her on the weekends now, and last Sunday before she left I asked if she felt anything since she had to go home and leave me. We use to hate saying good bye to each other. But she said that she just doesn’t feel anything. And while we were talking I kept holding her and sitting close to her, but she didn’t seem to care, and she made no effort to show affection from her side.

With that said, I don’t know if I even want to see her this weekend. What I really want to do is cut all ties and not text her, not see her or anything and just see if that gets through to her at all. Perhaps help her realize that she does need me and she does want to show me she loves me. But the two problems here are that I don’t think it would work, and as long as I am technically with her, I just don’t think I could handle not talking to her.

She wants time…I will give her what I can, but I can’t do it for long. She either wants to be with me or she doesn’t. And I’m not waiting 3 or 4 or 5 months for her to try and figure it out. Her feelings for me should be natural just as mine are for her. And if she needs someone else’s help to figure out how to properly love me, then she isn’t worth waiting for. And it kills me to say that. I’m going to try to give her this month and maybe next month…but if she isn’t ready to live with me again by March, then I’d say this will all be over. But I have to at least give it a little more time, no matter how crazy it is to do so.