In my last couple of years in high school we were exposed to so many various paths we could pursue as careers. I did some research on a few different paths including education and even pharmaceutical sales. However I never really knew what I wanted to do…not at that point anyway. For the longest time I wanted to be a teacher and I knew it without a doubt. From the time I was probably 5 or 6 years old, all the way up to high school that’s what I wanted to do. But those last 2 of years in high school did change my mindset in this regard.
Firstly, I learned that teachers don’t really get the rewards they deserve, and that starts with their pay. Being a teacher takes a special kind of care and personality. It also takes proper effort and attention. So why then do teachers not get paid fairly? I didn’t like that, nor could I understand it. Secondly, I began to fear my capabilities to teach properly. Not all students learn the same way or at the same rate. So what if I failed some of my students? I didn’t want to take on a position that could possibly set me up for failure. I would never want to fail a single student. And lastly, I was presented with so many different career paths that it honestly just made my head spin. And this continued through college. I never could figure out what I wanted to do.
Throughout high school, college, and really up to about a year and a half ago, I was always involved in making YouTube videos, or live streaming, or writing blogs…just something to entertain an audience. What I’ve found in doing these things is that I was quite good at them. And the natural high that you can get from entertaining even just a handful of people is truly breathtaking.
I didn’t do these activities at the same time. I would go through phases where I focused on making videos, then switched to blogging, and then progressed into live streaming. I never focused on one area long enough to truly make anything of it. The closest I came was with live streaming. I streamed for a good couple of years and built up a loyal following. The energy I exerted in my streams was insane but it worked. I was always positive and full of life. I made jokes and just released every bit of my inner wildness. It was the one place where I felt like I could do or say anything, and even more I could just be myself. I didn’t hold back saying something because it might be offensive. If certain viewers didn’t like me then they were welcome to leave. This was my corner of the internet and I was loving every minute of what I was doing….and so were my viewers.
Life hit me though. I found myself in a job with a promising future, and not long after that I fell in love with an amazing girl. I have so much to live for today. I’m now a partner at the company I worked for, I’m engaged, I have my own house…I’m living my real life, not some online fantasy. But I don’t get that high anymore. With my line of work there is certainly a feeling of satisfaction when I save a client money or help them solve an issue, but it’s not the same. What I did get a high from was my relationship. This girl came into my life and gave me a new perspective on so many things. But after a year of being together things started to decline.
I’m sort in a limbo right now. My career is finally taking off while the rest of my life is on hold I feel like. After only a week and a half of living together, my fiancée and her son moved out. That’s just as much on me as it is her though. Our relationship problems had been dragging us down for a while leading up to that. And even though I feel like we are doing better now, I am still living alone when I don’t want to be. I’m still worried about our relationship making it, and if we can truly be working on a damaged relationship when our main form of communication is back to texting again. It’s not what I want. So what if we can get along again and we feel happy together again? We can text all week and spend a little bit of time together on the weekends but we aren’t working on anything until we work on living together again.
But even beyond that I have lost the high that I once maintained from at least some outlet. I have no outlet now. Last night I went back and listened to some audio recordings I did for an old blog I used to have. I certainly don’t consider myself to be a hilarious person or anything, but a couple of the recordings had me laughing quite a bit. The way that I used to be able to write a blog and then record it with an energy that gave the post a whole new experience…it was just amazing. But I fed off my own energy and my own high. And after listening to those last night I asked myself if I can even write with that kind of energy and creativity anymore. The spark that kept me going has died out. I really enjoy entertaining people. If I can make one persons day brighter through the art of laughter then I win. But for multiple reasons I gave up those parts of my life and I choose not to revive them. It’s best for my relationship this way and it keeps me focused on my job rather than distracting me.
I think I’m sad. I’m conflicted more than anything on how I really feel, but sad seems accurate enough. Truthfully I just want my fiancée to move back in. My greatest joy these days is making her happy. As I said, if I can make one persons day a little better… Well by spending my life with her that will be my mission. I want her to laugh and be happy. If I can give her that…not just on the weekends or through texting…but each and every day, then I will revive my own natural high.
The truth, the reality…
I don’t need an audience.
I just need her.